A place like this, it gives you a knife...
a fork, a spoon, wrapped in a napkin.
Now the knife, the fork, the napkin...
they all get used.
Most cafe items, they don't call for a spoon.
But that little guy, he gets thrown in the washing machine...
over and over, time and time again.
Without a sense of worth.
Not only compassionate to furry creatures...
but inanimate objects as well.
There's gonna be some fun in the chat room tonight.
You're doing it again.
That funny, charming staring thing.
It's not unpleasant.
[chuckles]
But you should know that I... recently got out...
of a very bad relationship, so I'm...
Yeah, I just got out of a lot of bad relationships.
I promise I won't fall in love with you...
as long as you promise you won't fall in love with me.
Oh, I promise.
Favorite Vonnegut. One, two, three.
[Both] Cat's Cradle.
Favorite Dylan. One, two, three.
[Both] Nashville Skyline.
Funniest movie ever made. One, two, three.
- Some Like It Hot. - Caddyshack.
Oh. Guys in dresses.
That's really reinventing the wheel there, Roderick.
A woman who likes Caddyshack.
[Miranda] Who wouldn't like Caddyshack?
[Roderick] Favorite porno? One, two, three.
[laughing]
[Roderick narrating] All those tingling thrill-of-the-pursuit...
feelings came flooding back.
So then came wish three.
I said I wanted a pumpkin as a head.
[laughing]
Sure, I had the whole "Dr. Mir" thing...
from my peek at the list, to clue me into where Miranda and I were heading.
But this would be more than a romance.
More than a mere checking-off of a name.
This would be love.
Why rush the sex?
- Okay. - All day, people wheel...
and take back the carts in the front.
And this poor bastard in the middle...
- probably hasn't been pushed in months. - Tragic.
It's tr- you know what? It is. Help.
You know, you say you've been looking for an idea for a children's book.
How about all these inanimate objects of yours?
The spoon that never gets used.
The missing sock that reunites with his twin.
The multi-CD player that tragically gets turned off...
seconds before proudly finishing...
a five-disc shuffle.
[chuckles]
That's so it.
Yes, it is.
Roderick...
I've been looking for you all my life.
You're the best!
Come on. Get out.
[Roderick narrating] Okay. The cheek thing had thrown me a bit.
But there's nothing like a warm kiss...
coming after a delicious home-cooked meal.
Compliments to the chef.
- Hmm. - [laughing]
- Yup. I was back in the kitchen. - Yeah?
And the chef thinks you're pretty great, too.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just- just not...
- No, no, no, no. It's okay. - I'm just feeling...
Just relax. It's okay...
- No, Roderick. - It's all right.
[sighs]
I adore you.
I do.
I'm just...
screwed up about sex.
Ah, it's okay...
I mean, you're handsome.
Devilishly so, if you must know.
[both laughing]
It's just... you so remind me...
of the guy my mom went out with...
after the divorce, Rockin' Randy.
He ran the surf shop.
And he was a cross between you and Bam-Bam...
from The Flintstones.
Listen, okay, look.
I'm not saying nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
I'm not saying that. I'm just...
I'm just saying if it's gonna happen...
it's just gonna happen.
- [whispers] Yeah. - Right?
Yeah.
Really, why worry about it?
You're the best.
I'm gonna clean up.
You can pick out another DVD.
Something funny. [smooch]
[wind blowing]
[Narrating] I guess you could say...
that's when the madness set in.
Thanks.
So Miranda and I went to the Fellini retrospective yesterday.
Oh, she said the coolest thing.
- If Marcelo were alive... - Have you fucked her yet?
What is with that question?
Have you fucked her yet?
Son...
have you fucked her yet?
[Man] Yo, Rod, have you fucked her...
- [beeps] - [Man #2] Hey, have you...
[answering machine messages repeating]
Let me tell you something.
Miranda and I are building a bond of trust and respect.
Excuse me for still believing that love is something...
more than a sloppy fusion of genitalia.
Miranda, we need to discuss something.
- I... - Oh, shit.
- Shit, shit, shit. - You okay?
Hide me. No, just hide me.
Sure.
There's a Frida Kahlo-looking dude.
No, no, right...
Oh, no, I got it.
I met him at this Halloween Poe poetry reading thing.
I can't believe I slept with him.
I was wasted.
Halloween, two weeks ago Halloween?
[Miranda] I told you, I'm totally screwed up about sex.
Screwed up about sex? Screwed up about sex?
It's more like you're screwing.
That's funny.
Come on, let's go somewhere else.
Bam-Bam.
[Narrating] Back in the day...
if a woman didn't have sex with you it was okay...
because it wasn't like she was having sex with anyone else.
Where is that whore-bitch Jane Austen when you need her?
I chose to remember the good times.
The way Miranda made you feel...
like you were the only one in the world.
That time she read my slaughterhouse reform bill.
[neck cracks]
It's wonderful, just wonderful.
[Roderick narrating] But then there was that next day at lunch.
How was that salad for you?
Oh...
[neck cracks]
Wonderful, just wonderful.
And in conclusion, yeah, go ahead, crucify me...
but I refuse to live in a society...
that has reduced the world to the question...
"Have you fucked her yet"?
[Both] That would be a no.
I don't even think he's seen her naked.
[all laughing]
[belches]
- Oh... - [neck cracks]
Wonderful, just wonderful.
What the fuck?
I'm not saying nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
Doctor...
Mir... hah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, Dr. Mirabella Stone!
No! No!
No!
[buzzer]
Don't mock me.
Miranda told me she was coming out...
of a bad relationship.
And no one has ever had sex coming out of a bad relationship.
Oh, we're moving way too fast...
I'm not feeling well.
If someone wants to have sex with you...
they'll have sex with you.
The rest is just dinner theater.
So that's it. The machine.
Oh, no, the machine is much...
Sure. The wall has a connection.
Thing's going to be the death of me.
Oh, come on, cheer up, droopy drawers.
I mean, look on the side of the bright.
Even if you went down to a tropical island, all right?
The remaining 34 chicks on this list...
would be renting jet skis to zoom down there...
and party with you whether you liked it or not.
I don't like it. I don't want other women.
I want Miranda!
I've been a good sport with this thing.
There was a little weirdness at the beginning...
but I went with the flow.
I sabotaged a wedding, I lost deposits...
I toyed with a lot of people's feelings...
including my own, but I didn't care.
I care now.
I have found someone that touches me...
down to my marrow.
And if you think that some contraption is gonna...
You know, you know...
sometimes love is stronger than...
No, it's not!
I was so proud of you when you...
were burying the list in the backyard.
Horoscopes, psychics, Tarot cards...
coming attractions that give away the whole movie.
Why must you people know everything?
That's a good point, Alpha, sir.
Remember when you said the machine was a mystery?
That could mean that there's some kind of kink or flaw...
something that we don't know about...
Stop thinking about the machine, Mr. Blank.
It's progress.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Science and technology don't care whether we live or die.
- [high-pitched tone] - [beep]
Excuse me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
The solution's been right in front of us the whole time!
What, what is it?
Blow jobs.
Blow jobs! Oh, man, what a loophole.
All right, sex is work.
Is she having a good time? Am I meeting her needs?
You got to think about her feelings...
but with a blow job, you just lie back...
every now and then touch the back of her head...
if you think she's getting tentative.
I mean, seriously, if someone gives me an intercourse buffet...
or just a blow job on a stick...
I'll take blow job on a stick, dude.
No, you people... you people are sick.
I've given my heart to Miranda.
I want to cradle her in my arms...
I want to make the kind of love where you feel
as though you're one living, breathing...
You really think she might go down on me?
Death Nell has just put to sleep...
an entire fraternity in Fresno.
Eight members.
Death Nell?
What do you guys do for a living again?
It's the double-digit rule.
When a serial killer hits 10 victims, we get called.
No, I'm still getting details.
Apparently...
Well, apparently it was the same frat house...
that was acquitted last year...
for manufacturing the date rape drug.
[all hooting]
[Alpha] D.N. put her own drug in the keg.
Is that amusing to you, Roderick?
No, I'm just checking my messages.
The almighty machine's rep's about to take another hit.
[beeps]
[Miranda] They love the concepts, they love the drawings...
they... they're going to publish the book!
Rod, I owe you so, so, much!
There's no way we are not celebrating tonight.
Okay? So I'm going to be at your place,
8:00 sharp, ready for action.
I so love you.
You're a very lucky man to have found such a soulmate, Mr. Blank,
but unfortunately...
It's in her voice!
You don't even need the bizarro list.
She doesn't think of you in...
[sighs] Roderick...
I'm certain that some very interesting things...
will occur this evening.
Your penis going into her vagina will not be one them.
[chuckles]
But have a lovely evening.
Gentlemen, I'd love to stay and chat...
but I got a date with a lady.
I don't think he's even seen her naked.
[knocking at door]
Hey!
Author!
Thank you. J.K. Rowling, eat shit.
I'm so sorry I'm late, it's just...
It's been crazy.
But I told everyone that we'd meet them at the bar.
- It's my treat, for once. - Everyone?
I thought tonight was between you and...
I made pesto.
You did.
That's so sweet, but Rod, we gotta go out.
We're celebrating!
My brother and the two Jessicas, they're already there...
but you know what, it's no big deal.
- Hey, hey, just relax. - Listen, if you... what?
Let's just hang for a bit...
you know, a little pre-party.
Dude, I thought we were past this.
No?
Miranda, I know you once said you weren't attracted to me...
but that was before we went on the camping trip.
That was before I loaded the graphics program into your laptop.
- Before... - Why is it that men think that women...
women are like these giant thermometers at those telethons...
where every time you do something nice for them...
they get a little redder, and a little redder...
and a little redder, and a little redder...
and when you hit the top, we have to fuck you?
That is not funny!
Shit!
Okay, I'm sorry.
All right, just slip on down here...
just do a little clean-up.
Hey, what are the five scariest words a woman can say?
- I wanna be... - Just friends.
You know, it's like some bad stand-up routine.
Just? Just.
Do you know how important it was for me...
to make one real friend in this city?
I would die for you.
Who do you think I'm dedicating my book to?
My insane parents?
"To Roderick Blank, my friend".
[sighs]
Nice celebration.
- [gasps] - [crashing]
[crunch]
Oh, Miranda.
Man, that is one tough break.
Girlfriend finds out her little book's...
getting published and then...
It's terrible.
Not my girlfriend.
For what it's worth, from our end...
we're satisfied the death was just an accident.
[whispers] Just...
Excuse me, officer...
I wanted to give Mr. Blank the opportunity...
- to say goodbye to his girlfriend. - Not my-
Can I be alone with her?
Miranda.
Oh, precious Miranda.
You know, I never wanted this.
I... I only wanted...
They said that we could never...
never ever be together.
But hey...
we're gonna have the last laugh...
are we not, my love?
[Narrating] Okay, now that I think about it...
maybe this is where the madness set in.
Yes, I know, my beacon of light.
This is sad, this is desperate...
this is disgusting...
but aren't all revolutions?
We have to stand up to the list.
Stand up to the machine.
Stand up to fate.
Stand up, soldier.
Oh, come on, stand up.
Oh, let it out, Mr. Blank.
It's okay. Let it out.
You poor, sweet man.
You poor, sweet, handsome man.
Oh, shh...
It's okay.
[Narrating] Sorry.
Believe me, I'd hoped it was a dream sequence, too.
If it makes you feel any better...
my tale has a satisfying ending.
But this isn't it.
It's only number 67.
[67. Edwina Massey]
[69. Vixen Blitzen]
[Crowd] Six, five, four...
three, two, one, Happy New Year!
[champagne cork popping]
[71. Terry Fenchel]
Nobody has said "Happy New Year" to you.
Thank you. Roderick Blank.
Ester Fenchel.
But your friends call you Terry.
[laughs] No, but that's strange...
because that's my husband's name, Terry.
Nice tie.
- [champagne cork popping] - [cheering]
Just leave the bottle.
Gentlemen, I give you the Matador.
Oh! No! Not the prototype!
[Narrating] Eating and starving...
and eating and starving.
I was told to take some time off...
to get away from it all for a while.
But there was no escape.
I had noticed a lot of French, German...
and Italian names on the list...
so I dutifully booked passage to Europe.
Hearing of all the magnifique women...
my friends concluded that I had had...
the greatest vacation of all time.
I'm glad they enjoyed it.
[clears throat]
Good evening.
You have to fuck me, so come over and fuck me.
No dinner. Do you have a pen?
Let me give you directions.
[Woman] Ew!
[beeps]
[phone twittering]
Hello.
Oh, star 69. Yes, it was a crank.
I'm sorry.
Your mother picked up? Fainted?
- Yes. - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
[laughing]
Why are you laughing?
[Narrating] In my own feeble way...
I had tried to defy the list.
But once again...
the list knew what it was doing...
what I was doing.
But guess what.
I was about to meet a woman...
that was the answer to all my problems.
- Hope? - Amber Anne.
Roderick?
I've been trying for years to get a rise out of my mother.
You did it in five seconds.
Name your poison.
[Narrating] Hope Hartlight was the author...
of a best-selling self-help book.
I found her to be warm, compassionate...
and a little old.
So I wasn't attracted to Hope Hartlight.
It's not like I was going to get out of having sex with her.
So, to her surprise, I asked her out again...
figuring we'd eventually accidentally end up having sex...
and I could move on.
But a funny thing happened.
Hope listened.
Hope guided.
Hope was literature after 10 months of pop-up books...
chess after ten months of checkers.
You're a chapter 17.
May she spring eternal...
As for my friends, what do you think?
Hope was an Earth-mother goddess...
put down here to save the sinner's soul.
If you let her go, I'll bring her back.
You know, you strike me as the kind of guy...
who would make fun of a one-month...
anniversary celebration.
You've changed me.
You've healed me.
That's a really beautiful thing to say.
Thank you.
You know, I've got that book signing...
next week in Vermont.
I'm thinking maybe you should come with me.
They've got a terrific bed and breakfast up there.
Oh, my God.
We could just sleep late...
on the day I don't have to work, of course.
But you could just hang out all day.
You can walk around naked in the backyard.
There's nobody there, it's off-season.
[Narrating] Hope Hartlight didn't really vanish...
into thin air like that.
It took a couple of weeks.
How could being the answer to all my problems...
not be enough?
If a friend of mine had been going out with Hope...
I'd be so proud of him.
Guess that's the problem.
I'd be proud, but I wouldn€™t be jealous.
And a man would rather have another man's jealousy...
than another man's respect.
Man, hate to say that one out loud.
Okay.
So, maybe Hope wasn't the hottest piece of pie...
you've ever been with...
but Roderick, I was so proud of you.
Us married guys are taking a lot of heat over this one, big guy.
It seems that you broke some...
"messing with the feelings of a woman over 35" covenant.
I thought we agreed we weren't going to do an intervention.
No, we agreed we wouldn't use the word "intervention".
- Of course it's an intervention. - Okay.
Poor Rod, still under the illusion...
that out there walking around...
is the perfect girl, just for him.
[Announcer] News break! This just in.
The woman known to the world as Death Nell...
has apparently left her driver's license...
at the site of her latest attack.
It is the break in the case...
investigators have been hoping and praying for all year.
And now, Channel Nine gives you an exclusive first look...
at this dramatic license.
If you're just joining us...
Death Nell seduced and sedated...
misogynist shock jock D.J. Harry Hunt...
during a commercial break...
on his morning drive-time program.
I appreciate everyone's concern here.
I, um...
Hello?
Hey, Trixie, turn that up.
Did they really catch that satanic succubus?
No, and the word's "freedom fighter".
- Can we go in closer on that license... - Let me guess.
I'm gonna bet that her real name is not Death Nell!
This is some intervention.
Gillian De Raisx.
That name again, folks, Gillian De Raisx.
Death Nell is Gillian De Raisx.
[Narrating] Gillian De Raisx. The X is silent.
It was a name that sounded familiar.
And when a name sounded familiar, it usually meant...
Okay, this wasn't happening.
I know what you're thinking.
Surely I would have memorized the last name on the list.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but why?
No one wants to think about the last name on the list...
because the last name on the list means...
What did you say to him? Where's he going?
[laughing]
Fred!
Oh, man, it's kind of funny.
It's not like she's the next one.
She may not be the next one...
but she sure as hell is the last one.
Hey, there's got to be another woman on the planet...
whose name is Gillian De Raisx.
With her last name spelled with a silent X?
- I don't think so. - Calm down.
Gillian De Raisx may not be the Gillian De Raisx.
As you can see, the machine is closing in...
on the one known as Death Nell.
The timelines have been just a little off, but...
Oh, great.
More coordinates.
At this rate, I'd say a couple of weeks from now...
by the end of March, the Oracle will tell us...
where Gillian De Raisx is staying at...
the precise moment when she's there.
Now, I'm assuming, Mr. Blank...
that you can hold off from having sex with how many?
- Twenty. - Twenty.
Twenty different women in the next two weeks.
Yeah, I've had sex with 3 women in my entire life...
none if you don't count paying for it.
I could live off 20 women.
Now, we can tell you not to have sex...
but you have to go beyond that now.
You have to take your mind to a whole other realm.
Read a book you've always wanted to read.
I find model airplanes can be an exacting...
but ultimately rewarding...
Model airplanes are great...
but I got to go back to the blow jobs.
Fred! Not constructive.
How do you feel about biking?
[chuckle]
I can't believe these are the kind of conversations...
I've become a part of.
He's still in torment. Give him one.
One what?
Ah, yes, yes.
Our aforementioned Oracle...
while rather erratic in capturing criminals...
has come up with the answers...
to some of our culture's most significant mysteries.
And I think we can give you one of them.
Any of the biggies?
Okay, uh, who killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman?
- You're kidding. - Yeah, I'm kidding.
Let me see. Let me see.
How about who really shot JFK?
Oh, pick another one.
It takes, like, 20 minutes to print out.
Okay, life on other planets.
How many planets in the universe have...
- [Alpha] Eleven. - Eleven? That's it?
That's it. How many more do you want?
Wait a sec. Does God exist?
Cut it out. You only get one.
Please. You guys are mean.
You don't want to be in L.A. on July 4th weekend.
Beta, enough. [claps hands]
There are 20 human shields between you and Miss de Raisx.
Be conservative.
Don't use up any of them until we catch the villainess.
And remember...
a new realm of existence.
A new realm of existence.
No sex...
no death.
Good luck.
¶¶ ['60s rock]
¶ On my own again ¶
¶ Oh, oh ¶
¶ On my own again ¶
¶ Oh, oh ¶
¶ On the move again ¶
[sigh]
¶ I need to be ¶
¶ On my own again ¶
¶ I want to be ¶
¶ On my own again ¶
Yay!
Whoo!
[crash]
[Lester, reading] "I never believed the wild and lascivious"...
"letters in your magazine were true until now".
"My best friend was cycling upstate"...
"when his bike hit a pothole"...
"sending him head over heels".
"Lucky for my buddy, a bus on its way"...
"up to an 'Up With Jesus' jamboree, stopped"...
"and the students of a nondenominational Idaho Bible college"...
"lifted his dazed, bruised body"...
"and put it in the middle of the aisle".
"He thought they were going to help him".
"Instead, they helped themselves".
"Among the girls of the bus"...
"there had been much talk of the albatross"...
"of not having lost one's virginity".
"My friend's appearance on the road"...
"was taken as a sign".
"A pact was made".
"Everyone's virginity must go"...
"and he would be the chosen vessel".
"All virgins".
"All 18-year-olds".
"Uniforms".
"Nineteen 18-year-old virgins in uniforms".
"Straws were drawn, and first up was Mona Farlow".
Fuck. Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
"It was a day my friend would never forget".
Any changes before we mail it in?
Please stop. I can't take it.
I'm curious. Was there a lot of blood?
Sorry. Never mind. Wow!
- The ultimate male perversion. - God!
You can die now.
Well, that seems to be the problem.
[100 ETHEL WALTERS]
Have I told you all the good news?
I'm getting married.
The lucky gal's name is Ethel Walters.
I hope you can all make the wedding.
Ethel Walters?
Do we know her?
I don't know. Do you?
I really need to get in touch with her right away.
Does the name ring a bell with anyone?
Maybe you should lie back down.
Hey, you know what?
Where was the driver in all this?
Because I get that the church group chaperone...
was on another bus, but you can't tell me...
they let the second group of girls just transport themselves.
The driver, yeah.
I don't seem to re...
That's funny. The driver...
There's a whole lot of action going on back here.
Figure I'd get myself a piece.
Now, now, you relax.
You skinny little white girls ain't tattling on nobody.
Fuck!
[knocking]
You can't have sex with me!
Roderick, it's me, Trixie.
I'm not going to rape you.
- You know that. - Just leave me alone.
Get up, you big baby.
Got one word for you: Qantas.
You are going to Australia.
Your flight leaves in the morning, so start packing.
You don't get it. I can't escape.
She'll rent a jet ski, and she'll track me down.
I was on the Net all night.
I found another Gillian De Raisx.
Oh, yeah, that spells her last name with a...
Yes, with a silent X.
She's a marine biologist based outside of Sydney.
Oh, this picture.
Which one's the walrus?
She's big-boned...
with a healthy appetite for life, asshole.
What is... What is that on her face?
It's a rash...
from her exploration of the Barrier Reef.
- Ooh. - Oh, God!
Roderick...
you'd rather die than have sex...
with an overweight woman with a slight skin condition?
But it's...
it's not that slight.
- Ugh... - Trixie, I'm sure she's a great, um...
I got you some books to read on the plane.
I have underlined some very good conversation starters.
So help me, if you do not go Down Under...
- and seduce this Sheila... - Well, I do like dolphins.
Trixie...
No matter what happens...
thank you for being there.
You're a true pal.
It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?
- Send me a postcard, jerk. - Ahh...
With a koala on it.
¶ Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo-doo doot-doo-doo doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
[whistling]
¶ Doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
- ¶ Doo-doo-doo-doo ¶ - [chop]
[phone twitters]
[twitter]
[beep]
Please don't pork me.
[Fred, laughing] Hey, if you insist, hot rod.
Listen, the Almighty Oracle has come through.
We have confirmation...
that Death Nell is going to be down here...
- at the Mayfair Hotel. - [sigh]
I've entered her room.
Mr. A's not here at this precise moment...
but her things most certainly are.
Friends, I've got chills.
Fred, Beta, you guys...
Wait. It's April Fool's Day, isn't it?
[Alpha] It's 10 after midnight...
- officially April 2. - Ha.
Yes, Roderick.
We have quite a welcoming party...
planned for the nasty minx.
Oh.
Oh, this is... this is amazing.
You don't know what it's been like.
And I have found the loophole...
of all loopholes.
It's not blow jobs...
and it's not hand jobs.
It's exes.
It's ex... as in ex-girlfriends, all right?
I want... just... listen.
Check the names on the list.
Do any names appear twice?
Any doubles? All right, no.
- Then don't tell me... - [crash]
that you've never hooked up with some ex-girlfriend...
for a little, uh, you know, "remember when" sex.
No, you're right. I had sex with Laura Baxter...
every time I came home for Christmas.
And she's only listed once.
And whenever I travel through St. Louis...
I always stop in on Diana Scott.
We're going to get you some reelection sex, all right?
I'm talking about Grover Cleveland poontang.
Go back to Hope, number 80.
What you had was real. She'll take you back.
Yes. There's Hope.
I've had so many wonderful, fascinating women in my life.
I've never really been worthy of any of them.
Uhh! Don't listen to Beta.
Do not listen to him.
He hates boners and fun, all right?
What you have to do is you got to find that school bus...
and you got to hook up with those little Bible brats...
numbers 81 through 99...
and maybe give 84 a pass with the back zits.
- And you just get... get... - Sir?
Yes. It's right there.
Get one of them to change her name to Gillian De Raisx.
And you perfect...
[Alpha] Stop it.
[sighs] The theories on the table are adorable.
But Roderick, be cool.
Gillian will be at the hotel any minute...
and our organization...
well, we don't believe in trials and arrests.
So I want you to hang tight...
and do not, I repeat...
do not leave your house.
Okay.
Call you when she's dead.
All right. I'll be here.
Thank you... Good-bye.
[beep]
Ohh... [sighs]
[Narrating] Did you really think I was gonna get off easy?
Did you want me to?
I know I promised you a satisfying ending...
but there will be no triumphant return...
to Fiona, Hope, or anybody else.
There will be no chasing a cab...
no stopping a wedding...
no tearful reconciliations on a train platform...
and no morning flights to Australia.
To escape the sins of my April 2nd to April 2nd saga...
would feel so... so wrong.
Yes, my true destiny...
was staying in a hotel downtown.
I was going out with a lady called Death.
No God or Machine could help me now.
And that felt so...
so right.
You live by the sword, you die by the sword.
One sexual position left.
Call it the karma sutra.
The end is coming.
And coming is the end.
We've checked all the sectors, Fred.
Okay, you know what?
My name is not Fred. It's Commander Delta.
- It... just go. In. - Move.
Excuse me.
Miss Death? Nell?
Or do you prefer Gillian?
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
[women laughing]
Death Nell's alive and inside us.
[mocking laughter]
- Look at him! - He's so scared!
Aww! [hooting, mocking]
- Oh, where you going? - Come back, ladies' man!
[hooting, mocking]
[panting]
Whew...
[Gillian] Well, you caused quite a commotion out there.
Is there something you wanted to tell me?
Tell you? No. I, uh...
Oh...
Hi, huh...
Agents...
There's agents staked out at your hotel.
In your room.
Thanks.
You know I'm not innocent, right?
Yeah.
Can I... Can I join...
[menus slam]
[plates clatter] - Wow...
This, uh, place is amazing.
You know, I'm kind of in the business.
I've never heard of it.
Yeah, I just discovered it the other night.
There are not a lot of places in this town that stay open late.
Yeah.
- Do... You know, I... - I... Well...
[clears throat] Sorry.
- You go. - No, you go.
You know, this is... this is strange for me.
I've never had a volunteer before.
Some guys will do anything to get laid.
[laughing]
Uh-oh.
Um...
This has a...
a grape aftertaste.
And you do realize that...
I can't guarantee when or...
or even if you'll wake up.
Yeah. No, I understand.
[silverware clatters]
[sighs]
You mind if I ask you...
you tell me if this is too personal...
but, uh... how did you get here?
You know, in the larger sense?
It's not like I'm gonna be telling anyone...
for an indefinitely long period of time.
[chuckles]
I don't know.
I don't...
I'm not gonna talk about my childhood.
You know? 'Cause that's not what...
My childhood wasn't any better or worse than anyone else...
Oh, well, okay. It was a little worse.
But, uh... but I escaped.
That's where I studied poetry and chemistry.
Obviously better at the latter than the former.
No, I wouldn't say that.
I really enjoy your writing.
[stammers softly]
You're right, these spices do look amazing.
I mean, I've only read the stuff that gets printed in the paper...
after each incident.
But what was it you spray-painted after Number Seven?
"My ecstasy, your annihilation".
[Both] "Our mess, nothing left to transgress".
- That's good. - [sighs]
But where was I? Oh! Yes, of course.
Before I could graduate, I was swept off my feet.
Um... my husband was this, uh...
[deep breath]
everything a girl's supposed to want, right?
You know. I was his... his princess.
He was my... Prince Charming.
Can I try some of your kale?
- Trade you for that cherry tomato. - All right.
You don't have to go on if you don't want to.
No...
It actually feels good to say the bad out loud.
But when I said I was his princess...
I wasn't being metaphorical.
[Death Nell] Every week...
a new princess costume and a new wig.
"This way, I won't cheat"...
was the charming way he put it.
At first, it was... fun?
But then it wasn't.
It got rough, and I...
[police sirens]
[sirens retreat]
Did he hit you?
Aw...
You know, I've put over 20 men into a coma.
When you're handing out that kind of punishment...
[clears throat] The short answer is yes.
Yeah, he hit me.
And pretty much every other verb...
you could come up with.
But nothing above the neck.
The Princess and the Pirate.
The Princess and the Viking.
The Princess and the Mongol Warlord.
Occasionally, he'd mix it up...
and we'd do The Sound of Music...
as if the Nazis won.
You know, it couldn't be a crime.
He was my husband.
I did not complain. I did not ask questions.
Although, why anyone would want to treat...
Julie Andrews as a human ashtray...
As far as questions go, that's a pretty good one.
[laughs]
It did improve my poetry, though.
It gave me a lot of good material to work with.
God, you're a good listener, man.
You really are.
Oh, God... oh.
Then came Valentine's Day.
Oh, that was on a good one.
My hopeless situation, my inability to change.
But all in iambic pentameter, of course.
- And then... - [groans]
Fu...
[thud, clatter, crack]
[thud]
I should have been happy, right?
They tried everything. They couldn't wake me up.
They thought I was in a coma.
And that's when I had the vision.
[birds chirping]
I had become my own Prince Charming.
And much work to do in my kingdom. Battles to be fought, wars to be won.
- My husband was Victor Rose the IV. - Victor R... wow. Small world.
- I had sex with his Grandma. - Granny C?
My story's not as compelling as yours, but exactly a year ago...
I received a list of everyone I had sex with or will have sex with.
So far the list has been correct. and your name is also on the list.
- I find that very compelling. - [both laughing]
Ohhh, fuck.
[whispers] Fuck.
You know, uh...
I'd like to think that I...
I put something interesting out there...
into the atmosphere.
You know?
Just the whole idea of a...
a woman being able to put a man down like a dog...
for being bad, or...
for no reason at all.
[whispers] I mean, well...
well, women have had to deal with...
the anytime, anywhere dark impulses of men...
forever, so...
God, I thought...
it was time to make the men...
shake in their boots for a while, you know?
I guess...
that's how I... I rationalized it.
I... I am gone...
No, that's okay.
We're all gone. You know, it's...
So many games, names.
Who did you love?
And who did you really love?
Did you break their heart?
Or did they break yours? Or...
You know there's some real bliss in there somewhere.
And all you're left with is...
[sighs heavily] exhaustion.
- I always liked that word. - Yeah...
Oh, and "depleted"...
"dissipated" oh... and "spent".
Those are good ones.
But "exhaustion"...
sounds like what it is.
And what better cure than sleep?
Lots of sleep.
[paper tears]
I'll get this.
I insist.
Roderick.
Do you mind?
What, do you want me to take two...
in case the first one doesn't do the trick?
No!
[whispering stutter]
I was just thinking, since we're together...
while I'm putting one in your mouth, you could...
put one...
Oh.
You... You sure about this?
Yeah.
You know, I'm not gonna lie... I'm a little flattered.
You should be. [laughs]
Go back to my room?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that room.
A different room.
Yeah.
[bells jingle]
[birds chirping]
[Roderick narrating] So that's it.
The end of my story.
Well, one of my stories.
Mommy! Daddy!
I found a totato for the picnic!
- A totato! - Totat... [chuckles]
Boy, you really are the farmer in the family.
- That's... - Let's see that.
I think I know what we're having for the picnic!
- Make some totato soup! - [laughing]
Buddy, what do you think? That sound good?
[Roderick narrating] The story of how I settled down...
how I met my wife.
[chuckles, murmurs]
Of how I learned that sometimes...
what seem to be answers are really questions in disguise.
The Machine's list taught me the who...
the what, the where, and the when...
is never as important as the why.
And the why's not all that important, either.
¶ I want to unmake every bed ¶
¶ That I laid down on ¶
¶ Give back everything I've won ¶
¶ Good days ¶
¶ There'll be ¶
¶ Bad days ¶
¶ I want to unread every book ¶
¶ That my eyes laid on ¶
[Roderick narrating] If it really is all a game...
sometimes the best thing you can do...
is press the reset button.
¶ I want to unsing every song ¶
¶ Unwrite every line ¶
[Roderick narrating] For the first time in my life, I am.
I dare not add an adjective...
mature, content, happy.
"I am" is good enough for now...
Life is a lot like death.
It happens to everyone, whether they like it or not.
The meaning of it all?
Honestly?
Who gives a fuck?
¶ I want to unsew every seam ¶
¶ Unwind every clock ¶
¶ Unbreathe every breath I've made ¶
¶ I want to unset every sun ¶
¶ That my eyes fell on ¶
¶ Till I give back all I've won ¶
¶ Good days ¶
¶ There'll be ¶
¶ Bad days ¶
¶ Good days ¶
¶ There'll be ¶
¶ Bad days ¶
¶ Good days ¶
¶ There'll be ¶
¶ Bad days ¶
¶ Good days ¶
¶ There'll be ¶
¶ Bad days ¶